Nope no baby

Well there wass no baby this month and even though I am upset about it I decided not to wallow in my sadness. I know that there are other avenues I can take and this does not make me a failure. O no tears this moth just gonna dust myself off and try again the fun is in the trying right?...

IF I cut them I won't be me

So lately I've been thinking about cutting my locs, I blame it all on my lovely fiance for having a rich and lush head of natural loose hair that is so much fun to play with and comb(he's like my real live Barbie Styling Head) I've gone back and forth on the issue asking everyone, my creamy crack friends tell me I should so that I can have more versatility and be able to straighten my hair now and again (a big no no) others ask me if I will truly be happy once i cut it, and as of right now my only answer is NO I wont feel like myself anymore I'd be just another loose hair nappy, not that I have a problem with loose haired nappy girls, I just feel like i stand out more from the crowd with my locs. I feel as more and more people embrace the natural "look" (notice i didn't say natural life) me cutting my locs to wear loose hair would make me feel as fake as all those girls you see with the Afro wigs who claim they are embracing the natural life and wearing their hair curly, and to them that's all that matters it having big curly hair, not embracing the love of ones self not matter what the texture because not all natural hair is curly and that's not all it means to be natural I think for me growing my locs is more of an expression of "MY" naturalness and right now why errr'body and they granny is going natural i think my locs have more staying power then people who go natural one week them perm the next only to keep the cycle going on an on. So for now I'll just keep loving my locs and since i free form i least get to pretend to have the best of both worlds.

Baby shower torture

OK so at work we had another baby shower, I knew what was coming and I should have been prepared, but nope not me I was all strong and brave until they started oohing and ahhing over tiny pink things and my heart just broke. "why can't I be the one getting the little time pink things why can't I be the one pregnant" politely excusing myself and running to the restroom seemed like the best idea, and I had all intentions of returning but as I reached the door another chorus of oohs and ahhhs smacked me in the face, my stomach turned and i headed for my desk. I know that we are still trying and its no ones fault we haven't gotten pregnant yet but is it so wrong to want all pregnant glowing women to fall of a cliff or at least into a deep hole until I feel better, or at least until after this dreaded 2ww (2 week wait fort the newbies) so at least I know if I will soon be one of the soon to be glowing and happy pregnant masses

Dang it!!!

I've decided for my peace of mind and the safety of those around me, I need to express and explore my rage and turmoil on here at least twice a day. I'd really like to be able to post here whenever the need strikes but for some odd reason my job does not believe I need 24 hr a day internet allowance and has cut me off from the internet. (i mean really!?!?) so now I'm stuck with my other 2 mobile sources of internet while I'm at work . I try to write once I get home but I am one of those people when the mood and idea hits you you have to jump right then. Writing how I felt about something hours later never appealed to me. I have to be in the moment and feel my rage in order for it to be sincere. This was supposed to be something a little less whiny but this is how I felt right now (wait... why the hell am i apololying I can say whatever I DAMN well please here) OMG that was so liberating but I'm getting away from myself. Due to the stifling life I lead and my constant need to please others rather than myself I have lead myself to backed up emotionally and if i don't start letting some of this rage go I may just fall into the depths of my self abuse and mutilations and i really don't want to go back there .

pity

I always wonder if this will be the day that I finally just give up and end it all but fortunately i know that life has no reset button and whatever I do will pretty much be final. I really want to be one of those happy singing smiling people but unfortunately I am no i carry and hold on to to much pain to maneuver through it safely.

so what???

I'm tired of worrying about what people think of me